A Lazy Poligimist

Now there ain't much talk in the fambly about some of the kin from your third great uncle McKimbrey's side, but I guess you should know about some of them. Tonight, I want to talk about your far removed cousin, Brigham Smith McKimbrey. He was a poligimist. That is, he was a Mormon and practiced poligimy.

But young Brig weren't none too industrious. In fact, he was somewhat on the lazy side.

So, after he joined up with the Mormon church out in Salt Lake, he didn't feel like takin' the usual courtin' route to get hisself a harem of wives. So, he went to San Francisco and bought hisself four wives off of a chinaman. This pitcher was stuck in the back of a book that come from your great, great, great uncle. It was took in Petaluma California on their way back


lazy poligimist

Sometime after 1870, he decided that Mormonism wasn't all it was cut out to be and sold them women to a fellow named John D. Lee, who had a penchant for dressing up like a indian. He was one of them Mormons too, but I heard the goverment shot him some time after that.

Uncle Caleb and the Phantom Cane

Your fourth great uncle, Caleb Combes, dabbled in the occult. This was a shame to the fambly, but needs to be recorded nevertheless.

While he was mostly laughed at and considered a queer bird in the community, it did turn out that he was able to enchant a cane and make it invisible. He carried that cane around with him and folks thought he was plumb crazy. Because they couldn't see it.

Caleb Combes

But one day when Pemberton, the town drunk, started teasing him unmercifully in front of the ice cream parlor, he beat Pemberton across the head, chest and arms with that thing and everyone was a believer after that.

Udder Madness

Now this here story is not for folks that is "sensitive." So if you blush easy, I suggest you head on over to waiter rant or some place and read some stuff that won't offend your sensibilities or nothing.

So, all the uppity women gone? Good.

Your uncle Bob Thorssen was, for lack of a better term, a titty man. He liked teats and the bigger the better. You couldn't come up with none that was too big for him. And he let it become a obsession with him.

Day in and day out, he thunk about them big teats and what could he do to get him some. It nearly ruined his and aint Leddie's marriage. She accused him of spending the fambly money on getting him some bigger teats than the last ones he had.

But one day, back in 1937, he found the ultimate teats, payed good money so that he could show them off to anybody he wanted and never gave them teats another thought.

Can You Read Me Now?

Lorenzo Combes

Granny's great uncle had an unusual job. Lorenzo Combes was hired by the Western Union Telegraph folks to walk all over the country and later the world, and write out telegrams and send them from different places. Usually they would say, "Can you read me now?"

Then they advertised in newspapers all over the place about having the biggest network of telegraph offices in the world.

As weird and pointless as his job seemed to most folks, it weren't no more weird than that poor feller that had to come into the telegraph office ever morning and receive those messages from Lorenzo. Story has it, he clicked out the morse code for "dammit! Yes!" just before he committed suicide in 1874.

Explosive Personality

Your Uncle Billy learned one thing when he was in the army if he didn't learn nothing else. He learned that he liked to watch things blow up. And them idiots showed him how to do it, too. Little did they know.

Him and his buddies used to bust into the bunkers where they stored the explosives and have themselves some little fireworks displays on the side. And they probably could have got away with it if it didn't shake the whole base so bad.



After a particularly violent demonstration that tumped the colonel out of his bed one Saturday morning, your Uncle Billy left the army to go home for good.

He departed this world in a mine explosion in West Frankfort Illinois back in December of 1951.

Fashion Man

You had an ancestor or at least a relation that was a fashion designer. Christian Dior McKimbrey. Everbody said he was a flashy dresser.

Which was a compliment in them days.

C.D., as they called him, come up with the idea of embroidering his name on the butt side of britches, but it never really caught on. He also introduced a product called "butch wax", but folks seemed to prefer something called Macassar oil for their hair.

Finally, in desperation, he invented a little crocheted doily to put on your chair to protect it from the hair oil. He wanted to call it "the McKimbrey Doily", but folks taken to calling it the "anti-macassar." Funny how things turns out, ain't it?

Silky McKimbrey

I've always heard tell that Mr. Edison invented the pornograph. But I don't see how that can be. Maybe he improved it or something. The reason I say, is because your third great grandmother had a brother, Silky McKimbrey, who was a pornographer. Least that's what Granny told me.

I don't see how you could make a living if you make something to play on a player that ain't been invented yet. Anyway, here's a picture of Silky with a microphone for recording them pornograph records.



Apparently the microphones was pretty big in them days. Looks kind of like the microphone on the old box telephone that Granny had.